If you’d like some tips on raising awesome kids, you’re in the right place. Here are 10 things clever mums know about raising great kids who turn into great adults.
I was on the train with my husband and our three kids. We were on our way to an open mic session and had brought all our equipment with us; an amp, a couple guitars, a microphone stand and the necessary cables and what not. Our car was at the mechanic, so we had to make this journey on public transport…with our three kids…and our gear.
It wasn’t easy.
Taking the underground in London isn’t great when you have a small child because many stations are not buggy-friendly. So we opted to leave our buggy at home and allow our two-year-old to walk. #ThingsNOTtodoinLondon
Have you ever seen a parent battling with a strong-willed child in the supermarket? Or on the street? Or perhaps on the train?…
That was us. Our energetic two-year-old son did not want to remain in just one seat. As far as he was concerned, the train was his playground. I managed to keep him occupied for a short while by all the activity outside the window. But sure enough, he wanted to be like his dad and older sister and stand in the middle of the carriage (which also meant freedom to walk around the carriage).
We wouldn’t allow it and there he was kicking up a monstrous fuss, licking the train seats {ewww!!} and making a scene.
At that precise moment, I didn’t feel like a good parent.
Maybe the other passengers thought that I was being too hard on him. Maybe they thought that I was a draconian and controlling mum who wanted my square-peg of a son to fit into a round hole.
And although it didn’t feel great at the time. I decided not to care how it looked to the outsider.
My reasons for restraining him were two-fold. Firstly, I wanted him to be safe. And a two-year-old standing on a train is going to fall when the train stops.
And secondly, I wanted him to learn that he needed to obey daddy and I. He couldn’t have things his way. Not this time.
It didn’t feel great. But I know that if I stick to my guns, it will all end well.
How do I know this?
From clever mums who have gone before me. I’ve read books on parenting, listened to sage advice from parents whose grown children I admire and of course gleaned a lot of wisdom from the Bible.
Currently, my kids are aged 10, 6 and 2. And although I feel like I’m still in the trenches of the ‘teaching and training stage’ of parenting, people often comment on how well-behaved they think my kids are or how polite and kind they are.
I’m not saying this to boast. Sometimes, I wonder whether they would say the same thing if they spent a week in our house! But I do see where they are coming from.
Any “good” results I’ve had so far are not born from my own cleverness but from the cleverness of the Bible and other clever mums that I have internalised and try to apply to my own family and life. Parenting is an area that I’m always trying to grow in because I’m not a perfect parent.
Recently I attended a parenting class about parenting littles under the age of 5. There was a lot of wisdom there and most of it was applicable even if your kids are over 5 years old. So I thought I’d share with you 10 things clever mums know about raising awesome kids based on the wisdom taught in that class as well as what I’ve found from my own research.
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Raising awesome kids #1 – Be the model
This point is all about us as parents being a role model to our kids. If we want our kids to be kind, we need to be kind. We need to BE the kind of people we want our kids to become. Our kids are almost programmed to do what we do (not necessarily what we say). And so the old proverb ‘actions speak louder than words’ is most certainly true!
What are your actions teaching your kids?
Do you frequently have outbursts of rage? Do you snatch? Or are you always saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’?
For myself, I have found this one point alone to be the hardest one of all. I learned early on in parenting that our oldest daughter was imitating our behaviour and it scared the living daylights out of me! I didn’t want her to turn into a mini version of myself! That’s because I knew myself too well. My faults and flaws are a constant source of pain to me. I’m selfish and prideful. And I’ve realised that I will be working on this one point for the rest of my life because I need to strive and be a better version of myself than I was yesterday.
It was then that I understood why the Bible said that children are a blessing. Yes, they are cute and cuddly and hilarious. But perhaps, more importantly, I think God gives us children so that they can help to correct our own behaviour. They are like a mirror and reflect, with astonishing accuracy, the attitudes and behaviours of their parents.
Ouch!
Did that hurt? Are you thinking about your kid right now and wondering where their bad behaviour comes from? You might want to blame it on their school or friends. But first, have a look and see if any of your qualities are evident in your kid.
This requires us to be painfully honest with ourselves.
We can’t hope to parent our kids effectively if we are in denial about the things we do and say and the attitudes we have.
It’s painful to admit that we have an anger problem, a short fuse, a pessimistic outlook or a host of other negative issues. But the first step in countering our own negative effects on our children is to acknowledge that they are there. If you don’t do this, you can’t help your own child escape from any negative cycle you perhaps inherited from your own parents or developed in your own childhood.
Impressing positive behaviours on our kids also works the same way.
If I want my kids to have a strong faith in God, am I ensuring that I prioritise my faith? That I read my Bible each day and pray daily on my own and with my kids. What do my kids hear me pray about? What are they picking up as the most important things on my heart?
If I want my kid to have compassion on others, how often do I provide them the opportunity to see me doing that same thing? How am I showing compassion to others in the street or around my neighbourhood?
Kids are hugely attentive to everything we, as their parents, say and do. We need to practice what we preach.
Thus, raising awesome kids requires you to be that awesome person you want your kid to be. No pressure, right?
Raising awesome kids #2 – Discipline brings peace
This is a contentious subject if ever I saw one. And there are a flood of opinions on the internet about discipline and children. That being said, most people agree that discipline is needed, in whatever form, in order to raise happy and emotionally stable adults.
If you’ve ever seen a TV program like Super Nanny, the children in the episodes go from being, shall we say, quite a handful, to being pleasant and a lot happier. And it only happens through careful, loving discipline.
The basics of discipline are simple;
- Set boundaries with consequences
- And follow through
It really is that simple. And yet, it can sometimes feel like the hardest thing to do correctly.
Either the consequences we set are not appropriate to the offence. Or perhaps we just don’t follow through every time a boundary is crossed. Or sometimes we follow through with the consequence out of anger and frustration instead of with love.
Remember point #1 above? Mastering ourselves as parents is also key in helping us to discipline our children effectively.
Don’t discipline from a place of anger
Take some time and get yourself grounded first if you need to. If you discipline from a place of anger, you are being controlled by your emotions in that instance. And emotional discipline will lead to inconsistent application and results. This can be confusing for your child.
Cool off before you talk to your child about what happened and the consequence that they have chosen.
Yes, I said that ‘they have chosen’. That’s because when I lay down the boundaries and consequences with my kids, I tell them that they always have a choice. They can choose one path which has a positive consequence or another path with a negative consequence. The choice is theirs.
Of course, there may be more than two choices available. But there is always more than one. If your child didn’t have a choice, then there would be no room for consequences as your child cannot be reprimanded for something they absolutely had to do.
By showing my kids that they have a choice, they understand that they have chosen a particular consequence by choosing a particular path. This might be too much for a two-year-old. But certainly, by the time a kid is four, they can absolutely understand the difference between two choices and effects.
Be on the same page with your spouse
Your efforts in disciplining your children will only be truly effective if you and your spouse are in agreement on your methods. If you both handle the same situation in different ways it can be confusing to your child. And it can cause your child to reserve their undesirable behaviour for when the ‘more lenient’ parent is on duty! Which is the same as not changing that negative behaviour at all!
If you and your spouse really don’t agree on each other’s methods. You’ll need to both agree on a middle ground. That’s where you agree to handle some situations your spouse’s way and vice versa. Write it out if you need to so that there are no grey areas.
The aim is to get both of you on the same page when it comes to dealing with the boundaries and consequences you’ve set for your child.
That way your child will know with certainty, that when such and such happens, this is the consequence.
Get to the heart of the issue
Dishing out consequences left, right and centre will not create awesome kids on its own. Talking to your child is as important (if not more) than any consequence you could give out.
Because we really want to raise awesome kids, we’re interested in kids who behave well or make good choices not because mummy and daddy are watching. But because they want to do those things. It needs to come from their hearts.
That’s why talking is so vital.
When we discipline our kids, we sit them down and have a discussion about the event that just happened. We ask them why they acted the way they did, how they thought other people involved were feeling and whether they believed they had another option. We ask them if they can think of other ways they could have dealt with the problem. And we may even suggest a few possible responses to help them out.
We try and get our kids to think about other people. This is because so many of our kids’ bad decisions come when they are only thinking of themselves. Training our kids to think about others helps them to grow more compassion.
But it starts with the little things. And it starts at home.
Raising awesome kids #3 – Praise is powerful
Praise your kids often
I remember hearing somewhere that we should give our kids ten compliments for every one negative comment they receive from us. I can’t raise my hand for doing this perfectly because this is an area I need to grow in for sure!
But it highlights how hard it is to build something up, and how easy it is to tear it down.
Our kids are growing emotionally. They’re not as strong as they will be when they’re adults. It’s our jobs to help get them there. How?
By raising their self-esteem through authentic praise.
If you saw them do something kind for their sibling, praise them! If they held back from snatching, praise them! Praise can be poured over our kids for every positive action they do as well as every negative action they don’t do.
Let them know how proud you are that they did (or didn’t do) that thing. This helps to reinforce positive behaviour because our children desire and need our attention.
If you struggle with this like I do, try writing a list of things to look out for in your kids. Skills that they are learning to develop or things you are currently training them in.
One of my kids has really struggled with laziness, so every time she did something proactive without being asked, I made a point of praising her. She’s definitely growing in this area and isn’t perfect yet, but I don’t think I can call her lazy anymore! (Distracted, possibly!)
Raising awesome kids #4 – See the bigger picture
What’s important to you and your spouse? What do you hope or dream for your children? And what kind of adults do you want your kids to become?
These are lofty questions that might seem crazy when you’ve got a newborn cradled in your arms. But they are useful to address because the answers to these questions will become the foundation of how you parent your kids.
The way you discipline, the relationships you impress upon them and the character traits you work on are all framed by the question; what kind of adult do you want your child to become?
This is, in essence, related to what’s most important in your life?
There is no hiding the fact that we, as parents, want to impress upon our children the values and beliefs we hold most dear. So, what are your values and beliefs?
Activity:
Imagine yourself on your dying bed. If you could whisper a sentence of wisdom to your blossoming 17-year-old child, what would you say? What words of wisdom would you want to leave with them? They are on the verge of adulthood and will take your dying words with them wherever they go for the rest of their life. No other words could have more impact on their life than yours at this very moment. They’re hanging on your every breath. What would you say?
Have you just realised your bigger picture or dream for your child? If so, write it down.
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Raising awesome kids #5 – Be a gardener
The Bible says that we should ‘train our kids in the way that they should go and when they are old, they won’t depart from it’. This sentence makes me think of gardening.
I love gardening. It’s my dream to one day have a kitchen garden like the one at Hampton Court Palace and grow all kinds of crops. I’m not a wiz at growing crops. But what I have learned is that certain plants need to be trained to grow in a particular way.
Last year, I grew a massive crop of tomatoes. They were prolific!! The stalks grew much taller than me by the end of the summer. But I didn’t realise how big they would get.
How does this relate to raising awesome kids?
The keyword here is ‘raising’. If you’ve been to a garden centre and looked at any bay trees, jasmine plants or even dwarf apple and pear trees, you may have seen them shaped into various designs. Knowledgeable gardeners can create beautiful intertwined branches and fan shapes from these plants which are stunning to look at.
Initially, I had a few bamboo canes holding them up. But my canes weren’t very tall and within two months, the plants were sprawled out horizontally across my vegetable patch covering my beetroot and parsnips. And much of the fruit got spoiled by being on the ground. It was a total garden mess!
And once the plant has started growing in the desired shape it’s difficult to alter it. Humans are similar. Teaching an old dog new tricks is no easy feat!
But the gardener’s talent here is two-fold. First, he or she had to have a vision of what they wanted the end result to be (as in #4 above). And then they had to put in the regular effort of training and pruning to help the young plant take the desired shape as it matured (as in #2 and #3 above).
Basically, raising awesome kids doesn’t happen by accident. It’s an ongoing process of supporting and pruning.
Raising awesome kids #6 – Planning brings peace
This point is one that I seem to have in constant evolution. Maybe because I’m always seeking greater and more efficient productivity or perhaps it’s because I just like making lists!
But, getting organised is something that will help your home run smoother. It will make your home more peaceful if you’re not screaming for kids to hurry up and find X, Y, Z. And you can parent from a place of relative calm as opposed to anxiety.
Maybe this point is more for the parents, but to be honest, a happy mum means a happier child!
Get organised
If your home is in a state of chaos, you may find that you are venting off at your spouse and kids a lot more than if your home was tidy and organised.
Setting up systems and routines will help to bring order and peace and you might find the job of parenting actually becomes more enjoyable!
Raising awesome kids #7 – See the opportunities
See the opportunities to train your kids. These are those moments when you can have a heart-to-heart and discuss deep things with them. This might not necessarily apply when they are two years old. But certainly, by the age of four, many kids start asking profound and insightful questions.
If your kid is in the ‘Why?’ stage, take these moments not to get annoyed with how many times they ask the same question over again but see it as an opportunity to impart your own wisdom or find out alongside your child by reading a book or watching an informative Youtube video.
Children have minds without limits and you may find that they can teach you a thing or two about imagination and possibility!
These moments are even more precious with older children. When your pre-teen wants to talk to you about relationships, the birds and the bees, best friends, the existence of the universe and what’s it’s really like to work a 9 to 5, that is your signal to ‘stop and smell the roses’ so to speak. Engage in the conversation and make a positive lasting impact on your child.
Don’t pass up those precious moments to explore concepts, relationships and nature with your budding geniuses.
Raising awesome kids #8 – Live young
At the time of writing this I am thirty-seven years old and last week I got asked for my ID when I went to the pub. (Result!!)
My husband, bless his socks, was emphatically trying to convince the bouncer that I was over 18. “She’s got three kids!” he repeated several times, arms waving frantically in the air. At one point, I felt he would even have asked me to show the poor guy my stretch marks! But after showing him my driving licence, he looked at it for a while, then at me before eventually letting us in.
I firmly believe that my children keep me young. I laugh and play and goof around. And I think that’s a good thing.
Do you remember that Evian advert – Evian, live young? It was a wildly successful marketing campaign that saw images of adults side by side with their baby ‘mini-me’ counterparts.
I loved this campaign not just because the babies were all so cute! But because it reminds us that we can choose to ‘live young’.
They say that youth is wasted on the young, but I think that wisdom is wasted on the old if they ‘live old’. Don’t live old. Play. Laugh. Do things just for fun – just because. This is not just a French thing!
Have fun with your kids
Savour life! This creates special times for bonding and memories that your children will treasure even when they are old. Having fun with your kids helps to deepen trust, respect and of course, love.
We want to be a major influence on our kids (especially when they roll into their teen years). But we need to invest in that teen relationship long before they hit it. How can we expect them to come and talk to us about things they are worried or concerned about if their relationship with us has only been one of authority and following orders.
This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t give your kids orders or appear authoritative. It simply means that you need to grow your relationship with your child. Which may mean occasionally being a child too!
Raising awesome kids #9 – Listen
When you have a worry, who do you speak to? And why that person? What qualities about that person draws you to them as someone to speak to about your concern?
If we desire to be the person our troubled kid comes to talk to when they have a question, worry or concern, we need to be able to simply listen. Allow them space to speak and tell us their feelings and thoughts without them fearing that we’ll immediately attack their opinions.
Our kids aren’t perfect. They won’t always have perfect thoughts or opinions. But you know what? Neither are we.
Our kids should be able to come to us with a concern. And feel like they can open up to us about something that’s causing them anxiety.
That person I got you thinking about at the beginning of this point, are they able to tell you things you might not want to hear? I hope so. I hope you have someone in your life that you can open up to, but who is also not afraid to tell you something you might not want to hear. That’s friendship. Because that’s love.
Give your kids the opportunity to speak and voice their concerns.
And if your kid shares a thought that needs to be corrected or an action that wasn’t right, you’ll need to tell them something they might not want to hear – out of love. But it’ll be okay.
But listening to them say everything they need to say first is a good place to start. If you ever feel like your kid doesn’t listen to you, it might be that they don’t feel listened to.
When people feel like you’re really listening to them and you’re genuinely hearing what they’re saying (and not just thinking about what you’re going to say when they stop talking), something great happens. They open up to your advice and counsel. This is one of the 7 habits of highly effective people for a reason. When you seek first to understand someone else, they’ll be more open to understanding and listening from you. This is as true for kids as it is for adults.
Raising awesome kids #10 – Listen again
Get advice from others, like you’re doing right now by reading this post. Join the ranks of clever mums by not only gathering and searching out wisdom on parenting but also by implementing it.
Did you know that in Hebrew, the word for ‘listen’ also implies obeying what has been heard? If you don’t apply what you’ve heard, you haven’t really listened.
So what are you going to do? Are you going to finish reading this article and think ‘That was nice or insightful’? Or are you going to put what you’ve read into practice?
I invite you to do the latter. For the sake of your children.
Further reading
There are some great books that I’ve been recommended and I wanted to share them with you here. Some of these I’ve read and found really helpful and the rest are on my reading list! Be a clever mum and pick one to start growing your parenting wisdom today.
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
- Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp
- Raising Boys by Steve Biddulph
- Dare to Discipline by James Dobson
- Praying the Bible For Your Baby by Heather Kopp
- The Power of A Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian
- Boundaries With Kids by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend
- Loving Our Kids On Purpose by Danny Silk
- Parenting With Love & Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay
- How to Talk: Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
- Your Baby and Child by Penelope Leach
- New Contended Little Baby Book by Gina Ford
- Complete Baby and Child Care by Miriam Stoppard
Are there any parenting books about raising awesome kids which you love which are not on this list? Let me know in the comments. I LOVE hearing about new books to check out!
So, to summarise, clever mums know these things about raising awesome kids:
- Be the model you want your child to be
- Discipline brings peace
- Praise is powerful
- See the bigger picture or dream for your child
- Be a gardener and train your child
- Planning and organisation bring peace
- See the opportunities to learn
- Live young
- Listen
- Listen again – that means ‘do’!
You’re a clever mum and your kids will be grateful for your love, patience and persistence!
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